A Portrait in Greyscale

And tonight I will fall asleep
whispering an apology to myself
for so eagerly trying to give my heart
to a girl who never bothered
to peek past my ribcage—
to a girl who made me bleed
without even scratching my surface.

You kissed me goodbye

          before I ever finished

          kissing you hello.

She kissed me in the morning-

laughter filled the room 

and she pulled me closer,

again and again,

after we made sweet, sleepy

love

and she smiled at me, genuinely 

and kissed me in the morning

leaving me a silly, sappy 

disaster. 

today you offered me your 
lukewarm tea
and i couldn’t help but be
reminded of the love you
never quite gave me

I still fall asleep with
your name on my lips
while yours are barely open
to let out a moan at the feeling 
of someone else’s
on your hips. 

The first thing I heard this morning
(other than my vibrating cellphone)
was your voice;
I answered your call with a sleepy
"hello?"
to which you simply awwwwwwed
and suddenly I was fully woken by
the familiar ache in my chest
and shut my eyes really tight so I
could pretend I was still dreaming, and
that you were calling just to say good
morning. 

Today you asked me if you had dirt on your face
because you’d been gardening;
and you looked at me expectantly with wide
eyes and a timid smile
as I froze and trembled at the thought
of leaning in and wiping any imperfection
off your porcelain skin, near the corner
of your lip or the crease in your chin—
but as always you were flawlessly clean
and I faltered in front of you because
between the two of us, only I was
dirty.

when you smile for me

i just can’t believe that such
straight, white teeth
(and lips so sweet)

will never take the time to
utter that you love me.

The Only Girl I’ve Ever Loved

The only girl I’ve ever loved
planted a seed inside of me 
some time before and my
un-green thumb picked and
dug and scratched at its
roots, but it festered with
love until my feet lost grip.
And every once in a while
she’d come back to water
her gift, leaving me once again
attempting to dig out this shit.